Mental Health Monday’s #4

Mental Health Monday's #4

Hey guys!

Today is the 4th part of my Mental Health Monday’s series, this was wrote by someone I have known for many years, she is one of the strongest people I know and I am honoured she has allowed me to share her journey with me and my readers. I think it is important to note that everything I post in this series is completely unedited, unchanged and raw from the person who has shared it with me.

“At 19 I was officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression. By this point I was already a mother. My earliest memory of feeling “not right” was when I was around 8, I would sit in class crying, sobbing my heart out, convinced my family were at home dying in a house fire. This was daily, I was riddled with nerves and anxiety. I struggled with school and very often I would fake illness so that I didn’t have to go, not to rebel but just because of the anxiety. Gradually it all got worse and a troubled childhood didn’t help, I witnessed alot of things I shouldn’t have and felt so very alone all the time. By the time I was 14 I was suicidal and took an overdose, I would try to drown my self daily in the bath in hopes I would not have to face this daily war in my head any longer. Unfortunately even though my mom was obviously aware of my suicide attempt and the anxiety I had suffered with over the years.. I was never seen by a doctor. I rebelled and drank my way though the next couple of years. At 16 I met my partner and his beautiful daughter who completely and utterly saved my life. 2 and a half years later she passed away, 9 months before her passing our daughter was born. Once again I was depressed. Lost in the confusion of the love for my daughter but the grief for my step daughter. I plucked up the courage and took myself to the doctors, within minutes I had tears streaming down my face, as though the decade of pain was pouring out of me through words. Straight away the answer of course was medication. It had to work surely? Wrong. It didn’t. Not for me anyway. Since then I have gone on to have another child. My baby boy. Daily I still struggle with the constant battle in my head. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to shower or brush my teeth. But I do. Because now I have reason, purpose. I have completed my level 2 training in counselling and have studied my mind thoroughly, I know myself. My triggers. 
Mental health is a bastard, it’s cruel and selfish. I’m a pure heart with a sad brain and It doesn’t get much more confusing than that.. now that I’m a mom I recognise the importance of recognising a struggle in every single person. Not just adults.. kids are just as important.. If not more. I wish I would of received help as soon as I first started showing signs, but I didn’t.. I’m very nearly 23 and even now life is a constant struggle. But I have reason to fight and I will always always win. And believe it or not, i am so in love with my life and happier than I ever thought possible. I am proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel.”

If you wish to take part in my new Mental Health Monday’s series by contributing your journey or an inspiring piece like I have shared today then do not hesitate to email me, even if you are not the best writer in the world but still want to be involved then please do email me and we can still work something else: zoesmith-x@hotmail.co.uk.

Thank you for reading!

zoelouisesmithx

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What is next for my blog?

What is next for my blog_

Hey guys!

So as you probably know I have taken some time away from my blog and social media and I have kept myself to myself over the past few months. At this moment in time I do not feel ready to talk about why that was or what I went through to make me do that, however I am sure in time I’ll open up about those things and help others if I can.

What I will say is that around 6 weeks ago my doctor, my family and I decided it was best for me to go back on antidepressants and anxiety medication after some severe things that had happened which meant my mental health started to deteriorate. Mental health is always something I have been very open with on my website and social media because I believe it is nothing to be ashamed of and if my story can help just one other person in their journey then I will feel like it wasn’t wrote for no reason.

I am sure she won’t mind me saying, back at the end of last year I had someone email me quite upset and explained a lot about what they were going through with their partner and they didn’t feel as though they had anyone to talk to but they were directed to my website by a family member of mine and after reading my mental health posts they wanted someone to talk to. Her partner had a mental illness and she didn’t know how to cope with it or how to go about it so wanted my advice. I am in no way an expert in mental illness and I would never say that I am, however I was there to listen to her and help her when she was at a low point and I am so happy now that her and her partner are so much better than ever. Things like that are why I do my blog, because someone felt in their darkest moment that they could email me and that to me is an incredible feeling.

I am starting a few series on my blog over the next few weeks. One will be all about mental health, talking to people about their journey and seeing it from other peoples point of view, not only my own. If you are interested in taking part in this series please do email me at zoesmith-x@hotmail.co.uk and I can give you some more information. Do not worry if you aren’t a confident writer, we can work together to create something you’re happy with. You can also remain anonymous if you wish to do so.

The second series I am creating is all about crime and mysteries. Inspired by Bella Fiori on YouTube, who is incredible by the way and if you haven’t watched her Mystery Monday videos you definitely should do! I love watching her videos about crimes, unsolved and solved, I love reading about crimes and researching, so this series will be all about crimes, criminals and all of those kind of things. It will include, the crimes, theories, suspects, court cases, evidence etc. The criminal posts will be all about what the criminals did, evidence, interviews, court cases, prison sentences etc. I am super excited for this because I love reading these sorts of posts so I will be creating some that has all the information all in one post instead of people having to read 10 posts to understand a crime. If anyone has any ideas of cases/criminals you want me to research and write about do message me on social media and let me know!

Now my head is a lot clearer I am ready to start writing again and I am honestly so excited to get up and running again!

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Collaboration Opportunities

COLLABORATION OPPORTUNITIES

Hi guys!

So over the past couple of years I have been so lucky to work with some incredible companies. I’ve experienced a lot, I’ve learned a lot and I’ve worked so incredibly hard with everything I have done. I feel so lucky and so grateful for the opportunities I have been given. But now, 2018, I want to continue brand collaborations of course, but I also want to collaborate with some fellow bloggers and influencers.

Firstly, companies, brands, brand owners, PR companies etc, if you want to collaborate, I am open to all ideas and collaborations. So if you want to collaborate with me, I am able to reach an audience of over 70,000 people, if this is of interest to you please feel free to click on the ‘Work With Me’ tab at the top of this page and see all of the details regarding any possible collaborations.

Now, onto influencers… If you’re a social media influencer across Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat etc and have any ideas of how we can collaborate, whether it be photoshoots, day trips or any other ideas then please contact me using this email address: zoesmith-x@hotmail.co.uk, please subject  it with your username on whatever platform it is you’d like to collaborate on as well as influencer collaboration, so for example ‘@zoelouisesmithx instagram influencer collaboration‘ so I am easily able to find the emails. In the email please include all ideas you have in ways we can collaborate, no matter how many followers you have, no matter what interests you have if you feel like we can collaborate then please do email me because I want to branch out and work with more people.

Thirdly, on to bloggers! I am looking for bloggers to collaborate with on my website. Whether it be collaborative posts, feature posts or anything else you feel we could work with then again please email me on zoesmith-x@hotmail.co.uk and subject it with your website name and blogger collaboration, so for example ‘zoelouisesmithx.com blogger collaboration‘. Please include what ideas you have, what you’d like to write about and why you want us to work together, whether it be to raise awareness for a mental health condition you’re passionate about, gain more experience in writing, gain more confidence, branch out to a wider audience or anything else. I want to work with more bloggers and work together and gain more blogger friends, if you’re interested, even if you’re unsure on what post you’d like to do then please email and we can discuss more information. I am only going to be working with bloggers that have a similar interest in myself and fit with my reading audience.

Now lastly, onto people in general, even if you don’t have a blog and you’re not an influencer then I still want to work with you. If you’re passionate about something, fashion, gaming, mental health awareness, make up, fitness or anything else then maybe we can work together! If you like writing, you like photography or anything else that we may be able to work together with then get into contact with me because we can definitely discuss and make something work out. For this then please email: zoesmith-x@hotmail.co.uk. Please subject it with your name and collaboration, for example ‘Zoe Smith Collaboration‘ and include in the email what you’d like to do, any ideas, any information you think is useful for me to know, your interests, if you’re passion is photography, any work you have previously done, any photos you’ve taken etc.

I am super excited to branch out more this year so if you fit into any of the above categories then please do contact me.

Thank you for reading.

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How my life has changed since meeting Ashley Day… A more personal post

How my life has changed since meeting Ashley Day... A more personal post

Hey guys!

Today’s post is a little different, something I wanted to share so I can look back on it personally as well as to show others that anything is possible so never ever give up.

Firstly I’m going to start by explaining some things you may or may not know about the last few years in my life. Back in 2016 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And throughout the weeks, months and year from then I was in and out of a very very dark place. I had been through so much and seen so much and experienced so much, I just gave up and didn’t see the point in living life really. I barely went out, I barely seen my friends, I just stayed in bed most of the day and most of the night. Then during 2017, again I was in a dark place and I was diagnosed with a third illness, borderline personality disorder. A disorder I had never even heard of until I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist during my visit to Canada. It was not the best trip due to multiple reasons, but the one thing I am grateful for is that precious diagnoses which explained how I was feeling perfectly. The psychiatrist explained that the anxiety and depression were still apparent but they were not the main things I should have been focusing on back home.

When I got home from Canada I ended up going out a lot, spending a lot of time drinking in nightclubs and honestly just drinking to forget I suppose you could say.

Then in December 2017 I was in hospital really unwell with meningitis when I received an Instagram message from a lad I had never spoke to before. It was a simple message but one that made me smile when I was feeling my lowest. I never replied to any Instagram messages because a lot of the ones I received were off lads who only wanted one thing let’s be honest. But for some reason I replied, I remember sitting in the hospital bed doing a little bit of stalking on his profile when he messaged me and all I could think was how hot he looked in his pictures so I ended up replying. From that day I haven’t looked back. The whole time I was in and out of hospital he would message me checking on me and making sure I was okay. First thing Christmas morning he messaged me wishing me a Merry Christmas, the little things he said and did before we had even met meant a lot to me.

A few days after Christmas, we finally arranged to meet for the first time. The night before he rang me and we spoke on the phone for the first time and immediately we clicked, we spoke and laughed for hours and ended up falling asleep on the phone. The next day, he was late, which I have now learned is completely normal for him. However we met and we went to Merryhill just to talk, spend time with each other and see if we connected in person just as much as we had over messages and a phone call and we definitely did. We ended up staying with each other for about 9 hours, knowing I had work the next morning didn’t bother me, I just didn’t want to go home so we ended up driving around, going to a 24 hour shop, just so we didn’t have to go home yet. That night I knew I was in love, I never believed in love at first sight but after that night I definitely did because it had happened to me. The next day in work I was so happy, the whole team around me knew something was up and kept pestering me asking me why I was so happy.

Two days later we met again, this time I went to his house and met his parents, who by the way, are so lovely and I feel so grateful to have them as my in-laws to be. Since that day we’ve pretty much been inseparable, me staying at his house almost every day, spending time with each others families and just growing closer and closer together.

Some people may say things have happened quickly and yes I would agree, however I have no worries about how quickly things have happened because I completely, wholeheartedly know that he is the person I am going to marry one day. People always told me that love happens when you least expect it and that when you meet ‘the one’ you just know instantly and I truly do believe that’s the case with Ashley Day. My feelings for him are beyond anything I could have ever imagined, beyond anything I have ever felt for anyone in my life before. Sometimes you think you’re in love and everything is perfect but then when you find the person you’re supposed to spend your life with it is a completely different feeling. We still bicker and sometimes argue but within minutes (sometimes hours if I’m being a bitch), we speak and laugh it off and move forward and I honestly believe that that’s the best thing about being in love. No matter what happens you always kiss and make up and rectify situations.

I am so glad I have found Ashley. As I started this post off with, I have had a terrible few years and I never imagined I would be in the position I am in today. I feel the most content I ever have, I feel the happiest I ever have and I feel ready to live life with Ashley Day by my side. My previous post is all about Borderline Personality Disorder, a disorder I had no idea how to deal with, I know it’s a horrible disorder that makes you feel so horrible sometimes, you react badly to situations and sometimes you’re just in a horrible place, but when Ashley and I first started talking I explained some of the things I had been through and everything I had been diagnosed with and unlike so many people, he didn’t judge me, he understood, he listened and he looked after me better than anyone I had ever known before. As time has gone on, as our relationship has progressed I have told Ashley even more than I had, I’ve told him things I have never told anyone before, I have told him some of the lowest points in my life and not once have I felt judged. He’s helped me, he understood me and most of all he’s took care of me so none of those things could happen again.

I never believed in love at first sight, or you ‘just know’ when you meet ‘the one’ or you can fall wholeheartedly in love with someone within hours/days or you can move quickly into a relationship and it work. But Ashley has made me believe all of those things. I fell in love so quickly, I knew he was the one immediately and even though we’ve moved quickly we are the happiest people in the world with every aspect of our relationship.

We’ve already been through a lot as a couple, thing I won’t go into, but we are so strong because of it all and I am so grateful to everything that has happened because it’s made me fall even more in love with him.

I believe that if you’re happy, you shouldn’t care what anyone has to say about it and that people will always judge you/your relationship, will always have things to say, will always try to drag happy people down because they’re unhappy themselves so enjoy life, move quickly if it feels right, fall in love and be happy because if there is one thing I’ve learned since having meningitis + 3 other severe illnesses and being told by a consultant most people would have died in my situation, life is so short and you never know what is around the corner, so do whatever it is that feels right and makes you happy.

I feel so lucky to have him walk into my life when he did, I now no longer go out drinking every weekend, saving myself money as well as not being ill and having hangovers, I much rather enjoy staying with him, baking, driving and experiencing new things. In the short 3 months we’ve been together we’ve already experienced so much new stuff together and we have so much more planned. This time last year I never would have imagined I would find the person I was going to marry, have children with and spend the rest of my life with, but I’m a million percent sure I have now.

Now, to Ashley. I know you’ll be reading this because you support my work and always take a cheeky read, I see you. I adore you wholeheartedly. I am so grateful for everything you do for me, I am so grateful you care, you support and you never judge me. You will never understand how much that means to me. Thank you for listening to me cry, get angry and feel shitty about my past without judging me, holding me hand, wiping away the tears and ensuring you’ll never let anything like that happen to me again. Thank you for making me understand what love looks like, feels like and is. I am a billion percent sure you’re the person I will spend the rest of my life with, grow old with, make a family with, race granny mobiles with.

I know this is a more personal post than I’ve posted before, but I was feeling soppy due to everything I’ve been through in the last twelve months and I’m so grateful how much he’s helped me through in a short time and I felt the need to share it. For girls and boys alike, never settle for anything less than someone who will look after you, never judge you, support your mental wellness and never leave you when things get rough. If your partner needs support, support them. If they need help with their mental well-being then help them, guide them and support them because it is so much easier to overcome when you have someone by your side pushing you and making you believe that it’s possible.

For anyone feeling low or suffering from a mental illness or disorder or who just feels like love isn’t for them, trust me I felt all of those things throughout most of 2017, but I now have someone in my life who’s changed everything for me, who’s made me the happiest I can ever remember. Never give up on yourself, on love or on your partner. Life is so short, make memories, be happy and never hold a grudge because you’ll never move forward and find happiness if you do.

I feel like I have rambled on enough now, but I just wanted to let out some feelings because it’s been almost a year since I was in the worst place ever and now I’m in the best place ever and I just wanted to share it and show the world how special Ashley Day is to me.

Thank you for reading and see you all in a more back to normal post very soon!

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Life Update

life update

Hey guys!

I think I am possibly the worst blogger ever! No post in 3 months ahhhh! But I am back and ready to start writing again. Back in December I was rushed into hospital and I was diagnosed with meningitis, sepsis, dangerously low blood pressure and severe dehydration and the midwife told me I was lucky to be alive as my blood pressure had dropped so much that my body started to stop functioning and my organs had stopped working, so with all of that, a month of being severely ill and a week of being in hospital, I decided I wanted to take some time out to focus on myself. I took some time working on getting my health back, enjoying more family time, seeing my friends more and just enjoying my life because it really made me realise just how short life is and how you never really know what is around the corner so you need to enjoy yourself and live life to the full.

So in the last 3 months of being less active online a lot has happened. Firstly I decided to go to university, then decided I wasn’t sure and now I’m stuck with what to do. Secondly I completed dry January successfully! I wasn’t advised to, but I decided I would drink less and work on being healthier after being in hospital as I lost over a stone in the 3 weeks I was ill and I didn’t want to be unhealthy so decided to get myself sorted. And thirdly, most importantly, I got myself a boyfriend. 

Ashley Day, where do I start? When I was ill and I needed people around me, he had my back and cared more than most. We made things official on the 30th of December and I can honestly say I’m the happiest I have ever been. I never really understood people who said you’d ‘just know’ when you find ‘the one’ but now I really understand it because now I’ve found the person I want to spend my life with the feelings are a million times different to anything I’ve felt in the past. He’s not only my boyfriend but he’s also my best friend too and I am honestly so in love it’s mad.

I won’t ramble on about that though, I just wanted to post a quick update. Next week I am going to the Cheltenham Festival, which for those who don’t know is one of the biggest horse racing events in this country, I have tickets for two of the four days so I will be posting about those next week and my experience of the Cheltenham Festival for the first time. Over the next few days I will also be making a post of my top tips for the festival. I’ve bet on the Gold Cup winner the past 3 years so I’m on a roll, I can’t pick a winner every single time but the festival is the most exciting time of the year for any horse racing fan so I will be posting multiple posts over the next few days so keep your eyes out for them.

I also worked with Trentham Monkey Forest last weekend so I will have a post up about my experience with them, I am also working with Clue HQ Birmingham this weekend and West Midlands Safari Park in the next few weeks so I have a lot of exciting posts to come! Ash and I have also booked our first holiday together to Puerto Rico, Gran Canaria in June so I will be posting about that also. If you haven’t already click the social media tab at the top of the page and follow my social media accounts so you can keep up to date with all of the exciting things I have planned.

I am keeping it short and sweet, but I will be working harder to start writing more now I have the feeling of writing back! 

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My Miscarriage Story – Readers Discretion

My Miscarriage Story – Readers Discretion.png

Hey guys!

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know I am quite open with events that happen in my life which may help others. I talk a lot about things I have been through or am going through in the hopes that somebody who reads the post may find comfort or advice in there and today is no different. Some people may find this upsetting so please only read if you think you can.

As you can see from the title, I had a miscarriage. On the 27th of August 2017 I got took into hospital where I lost a baby at 3 months. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until it was almost too late. I hadn’t really shown any major signs of pregnancy. Looking back there were some signs but I just didn’t pick up on them. For example, I had gained weight, but I thought it was because I was eating a lot of junk food, going out for meals a lot and constantly travelling the country for shows so I had no choice but to eat a lot of take outs. I also threw up after eating a Chinese which I have never done before. I also hadn’t had a period, but I thought this was down to the fact I had continued to take the pill so I didn’t have a period whilst in Canada.

So when I got home from Canada and I still hadn’t had my due period I decided I needed to do a test and find out. With 1 inconclusive test and 1 positive test I needed to see the Doctor and get an answer from them, so I booked it for the first available date which was Tuesday the 29th of September, which in the end turned out to be too late.

On Sunday 27th of August, nearly two weeks after landing home from Canada, I woke up in agonising pain. I couldn’t breath, my stomach felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing me and twisting the knife for good measure and I felt weak. My stomach pain wasn’t a period pain, it was so much more intense and powerful and horrible and I knew something wasn’t right. So I was taken to a walk in centre to see a doctor who did 2 tests, both inconclusive. After doing a thorough examination he said he believed it could be two things, a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, both of which petrified me.

He advised me to see someone at the hospital immediately so he contacted them and had me fast tracked to the Surgical Assessment Unit, a ward where patients go to speak with a Doctor or Surgeon and discuss the next steps. I had a bunch of different tests done, urine, blood, blood pressure, blood sugar. Anything you can imagine I had tested. At this point I was bleeding very heavily and I was in the worst pain I ever could have felt. After spending all day in the hospital taking Morphine to control the pain, the surgeon and doctor said they would like me to stay in overnight and be reassessed early hours the next day and hopefully find out the exact reason for the extreme pain, this caused my anxiety to freak out and I panicked and couldn’t do it. Against Doctor’s orders I decided to discharge myself. At this point I had already looked into it and I was 99% certain I knew I had had a miscarriage and my nurse also thought that too and told me to go home and rest and sleep and drink plenty of water and come back Wednesday for an ultrasound scan.

So when Wednesday came around I went to the hospital and I had an internal and external ultrasound scan. Both of which showed no signs of a heartbeat. The surgeon recalled me to the Surgical Assessment Unit where he broke the news along with a nurse that I had in fact miscarried at just over 3 months pregnant. In that moment I felt completely broken. 3 months pregnant and I didn’t even know for sure that I was.

Immediately I felt guilty. I felt like it was all my fault. In those 3 months I had got a stomach tattoo, I had drank alcohol, I had been to Canada jumping in the lakes, I hadn’t been eating properly as I felt sick all of the time. I felt like it was all my fault and nothing anyone was saying to me was changing my mind about that. At that moment in time, deep down I knew it was all my fault.

I was told that I needed to go home, I needed to rest, I needed to try and start eating again. I was told I could potentially bleed some more so I needed to take care of myself. I was of course devastated, I was heartbroken and I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I had to experience all of it on my own because the babies father didn’t even bother to show up and for me that was the most heartbreaking moment of my life so how could he not have cared?

Looking back, I learnt a lot about myself those few days. It was only a few weeks ago so it is still very very painful, however I learnt that I am stronger than I ever imagined I could have been. I went through one of the most heartbreaking things a woman could go through and I did it on my own. Not on my own completely, I had my family and friends supporting me, but on my own in a sense that it takes two people to make a baby, it only took one to lose it and deal with it. I also learnt that some people aren’t who they say they are. People will always say ‘I’m always here for you’ but when it comes down to it it’s actually very few people who stick to their word and do help you and have your back. And I think the most important thing is that I learnt that miscarriage is not your fault. You’ll feel guilty, you feel like it’s all your fault and you could’ve and should’ve done things differently, but the reality is if a miscarriage is going to happen it will happen regardless of what you do to try and prevent it. If your body doesn’t feel like it can continue the pregnancy then it won’t allow it to continue.

I’ve always believed that whatever is meant to be will be, I lost this baby because it wasn’t meant to be, I was meant to experience it, learn from it and grow from it. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through but I’m starting to grow from it slowly but surely. Last night I watched a British Soap Opera called Eastenders and the quote below was said… for me it hurt but it’s true. Just because I didn’t give birth to the baby, doesn’t mean I’ll forget about it. He/she will always be in my heart and I’ll never forget. I would also like to take a moment to thank the producers, writers, crew and cast of Eastenders for showing so much respect throughout the miscarriage scenes. It was a hard watch, but it was something that has hopefully helped millions of people to understand miscarriage a little bit more.

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A miscarriage is not easy and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. It’s a scary and lonely place to be. You can be surrounded by people but in that moment you feel alone and scared because you’ve lost your baby, your body lost the baby. You’ll question every little thing you’ve done, wondering if it triggered it off or if you could have done something differently to stop it from happening. But in reality, a miscarriage is a natural thing, something that is controlled by your body believing you couldn’t carry a baby full term and you may never understand the reason why, but there is always a reason.

I never imagined I would get pregnant at 20 years old. I never imagined I’d lose a baby at 3 months old. I never imagined I would have to go through it without the babies dad by my side. But I did and I have and I’m a stronger person for it. Miscarriage is never easy, this is my second one at the age of 20. The first I lost at 3/4 weeks, the second I lost at just over 3 months and it doesn’t get any easier each time it happens. You will still remember the pain, the heartache, you’ll remember around the time he or she should’ve been born, you’ll remember it all. But in time you’ll start to heal and you’ll realise it wasn’t meant to be and they are safer where they are looking down on you.

I spoke with the doctor, nurses and surgeon whilst in hospital and I voiced my concern about this being the second time and thinking maybe I can’t have kids, maybe my body won’t allow me to. But luckily they said that there is no indication that they can see that I am unable to carry a healthy baby full term so at some point in my future I will be able to have children, hopefully when the time is right my body will allow that to happen.

This post was hard to write, it was something I was debating about writing or not, especially this soon. But I decided I would to help the process of healing and grieving and learning to move forward. I have always been open about the things I go through because I believe the more we talk about situations like this the better. Because keeping it inside will not help me through the healing process and it won’t help anyone experiencing it thinking they’re alone. You are not alone no matter how much you think you are.

I now have to go through a process of seeing a councillor now due to me having depression and then losing a baby and the health services wanting to make sure I can cope with it all. At first I couldn’t cope. At first I hated myself and I didn’t want to live anymore. But now I’ve came to terms with the fact it wasn’t supposed to be and with the help and support of my family and friends, especially my mom and my best friend Harley I am slowly learning to move forward. I know it won’t be easy, but if I have learnt one thing it is that life is so precious and you need to grasp every opportunity with both hands. Some people don’t get the chance to live their life, enjoy their life, but if you have that chance then do not throw it away.

I really hope that I can help just one person by writing this to understand they’re not alone. I personally have a great support network around me and therefore I’ve stayed strong. I have said it time and time again, I am always open to listen to anyone experiencing something tough. Go to the social media tab above where all of my information is kept, which now includes a personal email address where you can email me regarding anything and everything and I will listen and be there just so you know you’re not alone.

Thank you for reading.

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Mental Health Awareness Month

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Hey guys!

Today I am writing about all about mental health. If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that last year I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety after going through some pretty vile things, which to this day I don’t wish to talk about because I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. When I first met my councillor and I told her everything, she even said to me out of every person she has ever seen, my story was probably one of the worst, which was a shock to me if I’m honest because I had tried to take it in my step but obviously some people just break.

This month I have been discharged by my councillor and she is in discussion with my doctor regards to me being taken off my anxiety tablets and anti depressants so overall I am towards the end of my mental health journey for now. I have always been very open about my diagnoses because I believe there is a stigma attached to mental health and that shouldn’t be the case. Thousands and millions of people all around the world, every single day are diagnosed with a mental illness but they will never tell anyone because they’re worried about being judged or being categorised by people and to me that isn’t fair. 

Mental illness is a huge thing, it always has been and probably always will be so why are people so afraid to talk about it? There shouldn’t be a stigma attached to mental illness. If someone has a physical illness such as a throat infection they aren’t judged so why is someone who has a mental illness such as depression judged? I honestly think as a society we need to be more understanding and compassionate towards those with a mental illness and to everybody in general. When someone is diagnosed with a mental illness, it is not only that person who is effected. The friends and family and support network around that person also feel it, it can put a strain on relationships and friendships. I know for me personally, when I was at the peak of my illnesses I pushed people away, no matter what they did or how much they tried to be there for me I was having none of it, I just wanted to be on my own all of the time and I ended up secluding myself so then I was even more depressed than I was in the first place.

My anxiety is still bad at the moment, not half as bad as it was, but I still flinch if a male gets too close or moves quickly or moves their hands towards me, I feel like that will probably be with me for the rest of my life and that is something I just have to deal with. And some days I will wake up and have a bad day, feel down, overthink the past, wonder why what happened, happened, but I don’t get myself worked up over it like I used to. Sometimes things happen in life and you will never ever know why and that’s fine, don’t dwell on it because it’ll eat you up alive like it did me.

As it is Mental Illness Awareness Month I thought I would write this post because I truly do believe that more awareness needs to be raised. Whether you’re homeless on the streets, middle class, upper class or a billionaire celebrity, mental illness can hit anyone. If you ever feel like you aren’t yourself, whether you’re lethargic, not just tired, but physically and mentally unable to do things without feeling rubbish, if you have no motivation to do something you love, if you can’t sleep or you oversleep all the time, if you don’t feel like your smiles or laughter is genuine, if you can’t walk the street without feeling paranoid someone is going to hurt you, honestly anything at all that is out of the ordinary for you speak to someone. It could be nothing or it could be something. Don’t leave it until it’s too late. 

In January this year I tried to commit suicide, something I haven’t ever spoken about online. But at the time everything had went wrong, I felt like I had nowhere to turn, everything had finally hit me and dragged me to my lowest. In the hospital I was told 2 more tablets and I would’ve died, which looking back was scary as hell. Seeing my family sit around me, heartbroken is what hit me the most. Why was I doing this to them? Yes I would be out of the pain I was in, but wouldn’t I just be leaving that pain and more with them? That wasn’t fair on any of them. So I vowed to my parents and my brothers I was finally going to sort myself out. I was going to walk away from a toxic relationship, I was going to move back home with my family and I was going to focus on myself for once and stop trying to help everyone else.

And now 4 months later I am in a relationship with someone who has taught me to love myself again, someone who loved me when I couldn’t even love myself. Someone who has walked back into my life and showed me that whatever is meant to be will always find a way back. It’s took 4 years for Reiss to walk back into my life after us both going our separate ways after talking for months. Now he’s back in my life and he’s helped me through the roughest period of my life without even knowing it. I am living at home with my parents and brothers, I have my little Puggle Daisy who is by my side every single day keeping me busy. I have a group of friends who have my back and look out for me when I need them and I am finally back to the old me. The me before everything happened. 

I think all I want people to take from this post is that yes life can be horrible, it can drag you down and keep dragging you down until you hit rock bottom, but no matter what happens there is always a way out. Don’t give up because if you hit rock bottom you can only work your way up now. I didn’t see a way out, I’ll be honest, I thought everything would be better for me and for everyone else if I wasn’t here. But if that suicide attempt wasn’t an attempt and it was a success my family would still be grieving, I’d never have reconnected with the love of my life and I wouldn’t be doing what I love to do, blog an write and work with incredible brands. I never ever imagined 4 months ago I could ever be happy again, but I am and I truly believe that anybody going through something tough can come out the other side, I really really do. 

There is so much help out there if you feel like you can’t cope with something, so use it. Two of the charities I couldn’t praise enough are Mind and Sane. If you don’t want to talk to them and you feel like you could harm yourself contact your doctor who can put you in touch with a mental health crisis team, they will visit you and help you through the crisis period. If it is out of hours for your doctor go to your local hospital, most hospitals now have a mental health team on 24 hour call so whatever happens there is always someone you can turn to. Don’t keep it to yourself, don’t think it’ll just pass, don’t think you’re on your own. Open up, talk and stop thinking that people will judge you. Anyone who judges you is not a true friend remember that. A true friend will help you and support you and be by your side until you overcome what you’re going through.

I really hope this post helps at least one of you. As I have always said, my messages are always open if you want to discuss anything or ask any questions.

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