Today I’m going to talk about a serious matter, I know it’s a lot different from my usual posts but I feel like telling my story may be able to help someone and even if it only helps 1 of you I feel like that’s a great thing.
Throughout the past 6 months my family and I have been through a lot of things. Most of which isn’t my story to tell and I don’t want to really talk about that part of my life. However the series of things that happened last year lead me to be feeling really not myself at all. I was struggling to get to sleep, then when I was actually asleep I’d sleep for up to 15 hours at a time, I’d get angry really quickly and easily over little things, I’d cry a lot and be upset over things that shouldn’t upset me and I was just not motivated in any way, shape or form. Very quickly my boyfriend, my mom and I realised something just wasn’t right and therefore I was booked a doctors appointment to find out what exactly is going on.
I seen my doctor and we did a couple of tests and questionnaires where she decided I had moderate to severe depression as well as anxiety. I was given tablets to take which were a mix of antidepressants and sleeping tablets and she referred me to a councilor.
At the moment I’m okay, I’m still not 100% and I probably won’t be for a while yet, but I am feeling a lot better than I was, I think that’s mainly due to the fact I have actually spoke to someone and opened up rather than keeping everything to myself and letting it build up.
I have such an incredible set of people around me who have kept me strong and helped me through everything and without them I couldn’t have got through it. If there is one thing I would suggest to anyone who isn’t feeling them self it would be to talk to someone. Whether it’s your parents, your partner, your friend or even a doctor, I really do think talking to someone helps you a lot.
For me I am not writing this post for sympathy, not at all. I’m writing this post because I feel like with what I’ve went through I’ve learnt a lot. At one point I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone, I couldn’t trust anyone, but now looking back that was never ever the case. So this post is mainly for you guys to know I have been through some horrible things and that’s why I haven’t posted as much as I would like to have, but also to say if any of you feel how I felt before where I couldn’t talk to anyone, just know you can. Even if you don’t want to talk to your parents or friends or anyone, my inbox and my email is always open. I know just how hard it was, so if I can help just one person to open up, to get help and to feel better then I feel like I’ve done what I wanted to do.
I’m not the biggest blogger or social media influence don’t get me wrong, but I do have quite a large following and if I can reach out to just one person across my blog or social media and help you, I feel like that’s all I want to come from this.
I know just how hard it is to open up and to admit there is a problem, I fought with myself for so long not wanting to tell anyone how I felt, not wanting anyone to click on that I’m not okay, sooner or later I knew someone would realise because I just wasn’t myself. I wasn’t motivated to do anything, I didn’t even want to blog even though it’s my favourite thing to do. I wouldn’t wake up early like I used to, I’d sleep all day if I could. I was getting easily angry and annoyed at little things that normally I would laugh at or ignore, again this just wasn’t me at all. My boyfriend started slowly but surely noticing and asked me if I was okay and I knew he was starting to see that I just wasn’t okay.
Eventually I decided to do something about it. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t someone people would want to be around and I just wasn’t me. I felt like if I didn’t get help and admit I wasn’t okay, I’d lose people around me because I was argumentative and angry and upset and honestly I was just a horrible person to be around I really was. When I went to the doctor I ended up crying a lot and explaining things I probably would never imagine telling anyone but now I’ve done it I am so glad I have because getting it off my chest really has helped me. Of course I’m not there yet, but soon I will be my usual happy self and I can’t wait to reach that point again.
I am super grateful to my boyfriend and my family and friends because without them I don’t know where I’d be right now, I just know I’d be feeling as bad or worse than I was before. I really wasn’t a nice person to be around but I had a bunch of strong people around me who stuck by my side and helped me rather than ignoring how much pain I was in.
Mental illness isn’t something people talk about, in fact I’ve realised that a lot of people shy away from talking about it. This shouldn’t be that way. Just because you can’t see an illness it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Whether that’s depression or anxiety or any other mental illness, it is there and it’s a real problem and it needs to be spoke about. People don’t truly know what a mental illness is because people would rather ignore it than talk about it and to me that’s really sad. I’ve decided to post this not because I want sympathy or anything like that, I want people to talk about mental illness whether it’s happening to you or maybe someone you know, mental illness effects a lot of people. In fact you probably know someone who’s suffering with a mental illness, probably in silence because they’re too scared in case they get judged. I find it so sad that that’s the reality we live in.
I’m not proud of my illness but I’m proud that I’ve overcome what I’ve been through and I’m proud that I didn’t let it beat me. I want people to know that if you feel like you’re struggling, you are not alone. You have people around you who will help you and work with you to get yourself better. Never feel like you can’t open up and talk to someone, as I said if you don’t want to talk to someone at home, talk to a friend, if not inbox me or email me and at least you can have that weight lifted off your shoulders to talk to someone and open up. I would never judge anyone for suffering with an illness because I understand how it feels.
I really hope this post helps someone to either understand mental illness is a thing and it needs to be talked about otherwise more and more people will suffer in silence and honestly it is the worst feeling possible.
Thank you for reading this different post about everything and thank you for hopefully not judging me. I know it’s long and I’ve probably repeated myself a bunch of times but this post is completely unedited, it is straight from the heart, straight from my notes on my phone where I wrote it all and I am super nervous about posting this so please be kind. I haven’t edited it because I wanted it to be 100% raw and real for you guys. I hope this will help at least one of you. Please do not forget my inbox on Twitter and Instagram and my emails are open for any of you who want to talk about anything.
Again, thank you for reading.