What is next for my blog?

What is next for my blog_

Hey guys!

So as you probably know I have taken some time away from my blog and social media and I have kept myself to myself over the past few months. At this moment in time I do not feel ready to talk about why that was or what I went through to make me do that, however I am sure in time I’ll open up about those things and help others if I can.

What I will say is that around 6 weeks ago my doctor, my family and I decided it was best for me to go back on antidepressants and anxiety medication after some severe things that had happened which meant my mental health started to deteriorate. Mental health is always something I have been very open with on my website and social media because I believe it is nothing to be ashamed of and if my story can help just one other person in their journey then I will feel like it wasn’t wrote for no reason.

I am sure she won’t mind me saying, back at the end of last year I had someone email me quite upset and explained a lot about what they were going through with their partner and they didn’t feel as though they had anyone to talk to but they were directed to my website by a family member of mine and after reading my mental health posts they wanted someone to talk to. Her partner had a mental illness and she didn’t know how to cope with it or how to go about it so wanted my advice. I am in no way an expert in mental illness and I would never say that I am, however I was there to listen to her and help her when she was at a low point and I am so happy now that her and her partner are so much better than ever. Things like that are why I do my blog, because someone felt in their darkest moment that they could email me and that to me is an incredible feeling.

I am starting a few series on my blog over the next few weeks. One will be all about mental health, talking to people about their journey and seeing it from other peoples point of view, not only my own. If you are interested in taking part in this series please do email me at zoesmith-x@hotmail.co.uk and I can give you some more information. Do not worry if you aren’t a confident writer, we can work together to create something you’re happy with. You can also remain anonymous if you wish to do so.

The second series I am creating is all about crime and mysteries. Inspired by Bella Fiori on YouTube, who is incredible by the way and if you haven’t watched her Mystery Monday videos you definitely should do! I love watching her videos about crimes, unsolved and solved, I love reading about crimes and researching, so this series will be all about crimes, criminals and all of those kind of things. It will include, the crimes, theories, suspects, court cases, evidence etc. The criminal posts will be all about what the criminals did, evidence, interviews, court cases, prison sentences etc. I am super excited for this because I love reading these sorts of posts so I will be creating some that has all the information all in one post instead of people having to read 10 posts to understand a crime. If anyone has any ideas of cases/criminals you want me to research and write about do message me on social media and let me know!

Now my head is a lot clearer I am ready to start writing again and I am honestly so excited to get up and running again!

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My Miscarriage Story – Readers Discretion

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Hey guys!

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know I am quite open with events that happen in my life which may help others. I talk a lot about things I have been through or am going through in the hopes that somebody who reads the post may find comfort or advice in there and today is no different. Some people may find this upsetting so please only read if you think you can.

As you can see from the title, I had a miscarriage. On the 27th of August 2017 I got took into hospital where I lost a baby at 3 months. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until it was almost too late. I hadn’t really shown any major signs of pregnancy. Looking back there were some signs but I just didn’t pick up on them. For example, I had gained weight, but I thought it was because I was eating a lot of junk food, going out for meals a lot and constantly travelling the country for shows so I had no choice but to eat a lot of take outs. I also threw up after eating a Chinese which I have never done before. I also hadn’t had a period, but I thought this was down to the fact I had continued to take the pill so I didn’t have a period whilst in Canada.

So when I got home from Canada and I still hadn’t had my due period I decided I needed to do a test and find out. With 1 inconclusive test and 1 positive test I needed to see the Doctor and get an answer from them, so I booked it for the first available date which was Tuesday the 29th of September, which in the end turned out to be too late.

On Sunday 27th of August, nearly two weeks after landing home from Canada, I woke up in agonising pain. I couldn’t breath, my stomach felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing me and twisting the knife for good measure and I felt weak. My stomach pain wasn’t a period pain, it was so much more intense and powerful and horrible and I knew something wasn’t right. So I was taken to a walk in centre to see a doctor who did 2 tests, both inconclusive. After doing a thorough examination he said he believed it could be two things, a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, both of which petrified me.

He advised me to see someone at the hospital immediately so he contacted them and had me fast tracked to the Surgical Assessment Unit, a ward where patients go to speak with a Doctor or Surgeon and discuss the next steps. I had a bunch of different tests done, urine, blood, blood pressure, blood sugar. Anything you can imagine I had tested. At this point I was bleeding very heavily and I was in the worst pain I ever could have felt. After spending all day in the hospital taking Morphine to control the pain, the surgeon and doctor said they would like me to stay in overnight and be reassessed early hours the next day and hopefully find out the exact reason for the extreme pain, this caused my anxiety to freak out and I panicked and couldn’t do it. Against Doctor’s orders I decided to discharge myself. At this point I had already looked into it and I was 99% certain I knew I had had a miscarriage and my nurse also thought that too and told me to go home and rest and sleep and drink plenty of water and come back Wednesday for an ultrasound scan.

So when Wednesday came around I went to the hospital and I had an internal and external ultrasound scan. Both of which showed no signs of a heartbeat. The surgeon recalled me to the Surgical Assessment Unit where he broke the news along with a nurse that I had in fact miscarried at just over 3 months pregnant. In that moment I felt completely broken. 3 months pregnant and I didn’t even know for sure that I was.

Immediately I felt guilty. I felt like it was all my fault. In those 3 months I had got a stomach tattoo, I had drank alcohol, I had been to Canada jumping in the lakes, I hadn’t been eating properly as I felt sick all of the time. I felt like it was all my fault and nothing anyone was saying to me was changing my mind about that. At that moment in time, deep down I knew it was all my fault.

I was told that I needed to go home, I needed to rest, I needed to try and start eating again. I was told I could potentially bleed some more so I needed to take care of myself. I was of course devastated, I was heartbroken and I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I had to experience all of it on my own because the babies father didn’t even bother to show up and for me that was the most heartbreaking moment of my life so how could he not have cared?

Looking back, I learnt a lot about myself those few days. It was only a few weeks ago so it is still very very painful, however I learnt that I am stronger than I ever imagined I could have been. I went through one of the most heartbreaking things a woman could go through and I did it on my own. Not on my own completely, I had my family and friends supporting me, but on my own in a sense that it takes two people to make a baby, it only took one to lose it and deal with it. I also learnt that some people aren’t who they say they are. People will always say ‘I’m always here for you’ but when it comes down to it it’s actually very few people who stick to their word and do help you and have your back. And I think the most important thing is that I learnt that miscarriage is not your fault. You’ll feel guilty, you feel like it’s all your fault and you could’ve and should’ve done things differently, but the reality is if a miscarriage is going to happen it will happen regardless of what you do to try and prevent it. If your body doesn’t feel like it can continue the pregnancy then it won’t allow it to continue.

I’ve always believed that whatever is meant to be will be, I lost this baby because it wasn’t meant to be, I was meant to experience it, learn from it and grow from it. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through but I’m starting to grow from it slowly but surely. Last night I watched a British Soap Opera called Eastenders and the quote below was said… for me it hurt but it’s true. Just because I didn’t give birth to the baby, doesn’t mean I’ll forget about it. He/she will always be in my heart and I’ll never forget. I would also like to take a moment to thank the producers, writers, crew and cast of Eastenders for showing so much respect throughout the miscarriage scenes. It was a hard watch, but it was something that has hopefully helped millions of people to understand miscarriage a little bit more.

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A miscarriage is not easy and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. It’s a scary and lonely place to be. You can be surrounded by people but in that moment you feel alone and scared because you’ve lost your baby, your body lost the baby. You’ll question every little thing you’ve done, wondering if it triggered it off or if you could have done something differently to stop it from happening. But in reality, a miscarriage is a natural thing, something that is controlled by your body believing you couldn’t carry a baby full term and you may never understand the reason why, but there is always a reason.

I never imagined I would get pregnant at 20 years old. I never imagined I’d lose a baby at 3 months old. I never imagined I would have to go through it without the babies dad by my side. But I did and I have and I’m a stronger person for it. Miscarriage is never easy, this is my second one at the age of 20. The first I lost at 3/4 weeks, the second I lost at just over 3 months and it doesn’t get any easier each time it happens. You will still remember the pain, the heartache, you’ll remember around the time he or she should’ve been born, you’ll remember it all. But in time you’ll start to heal and you’ll realise it wasn’t meant to be and they are safer where they are looking down on you.

I spoke with the doctor, nurses and surgeon whilst in hospital and I voiced my concern about this being the second time and thinking maybe I can’t have kids, maybe my body won’t allow me to. But luckily they said that there is no indication that they can see that I am unable to carry a healthy baby full term so at some point in my future I will be able to have children, hopefully when the time is right my body will allow that to happen.

This post was hard to write, it was something I was debating about writing or not, especially this soon. But I decided I would to help the process of healing and grieving and learning to move forward. I have always been open about the things I go through because I believe the more we talk about situations like this the better. Because keeping it inside will not help me through the healing process and it won’t help anyone experiencing it thinking they’re alone. You are not alone no matter how much you think you are.

I now have to go through a process of seeing a councillor now due to me having depression and then losing a baby and the health services wanting to make sure I can cope with it all. At first I couldn’t cope. At first I hated myself and I didn’t want to live anymore. But now I’ve came to terms with the fact it wasn’t supposed to be and with the help and support of my family and friends, especially my mom and my best friend Harley I am slowly learning to move forward. I know it won’t be easy, but if I have learnt one thing it is that life is so precious and you need to grasp every opportunity with both hands. Some people don’t get the chance to live their life, enjoy their life, but if you have that chance then do not throw it away.

I really hope that I can help just one person by writing this to understand they’re not alone. I personally have a great support network around me and therefore I’ve stayed strong. I have said it time and time again, I am always open to listen to anyone experiencing something tough. Go to the social media tab above where all of my information is kept, which now includes a personal email address where you can email me regarding anything and everything and I will listen and be there just so you know you’re not alone.

Thank you for reading.

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Unreal Blogging Opportunities…

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Hey Lovelies!

Today I am going to be writing about some of the unreal opportunities I have been given over the past couple of months. I don’t blog to earn money or be gifted products, I do it because it gives me a release, it’s somewhere I come to write and let out my feelings and enjoy myself in my own little world for a few hours. I started blogging because I thoroughly enjoyed writing in school and sixth form and I wanted a way to continue to write after I finished my A-Levels and blogging was a perfect way to do that so there started zoelouisesmithx.com. 

However the bonus of being able to collaborate with some of the biggest brands and companies around the world is something I couldn’t ever have even dreamed of happening. So this post is essentially all of the amazing opportunities I have been given recently. This time last year I was in an emotionally, mentally and physically abusive relationship, rarely leaving the house, overweight and constantly sexually harassed at work, but today I am here in a relationship with someone who treats me like a princess, I have a great bunch of friends I regularly go out with, I am 2 pounds off my goal weight and I am able to work doing something I love doing. I am writing this post not to brag about what I have got or what I am doing, but to show that anything is possible. I went from attempting suicide, to being probably the happiest I have ever been and honestly if this inspires one person to pursue their dreams and realise that they can achieve anything they put their mind to then I feel like it was worth writing.

Firstly the brand I think I was completely shocked by when I received an email is Protein World. They work with some of the biggest celebrities in the world, including the Kardashian/Jenner family, so the fact they wanted to work with me blew my mind. I received their 30 day challenge which I am half way through completing. Honestly I had heard some incredible things about Protein World but I had never had the opportunity to try their products and in all honesty I can totally see the hype around them. Their Slender Blend is honestly the best tasting protein shake I have ever tried. I have tried numerous shakes over the past 12 months or so whilst on my journey to lose weight and I have never found one I liked the taste of, but Protein World sent me their Vanilla Slender Blend and it is honestly so nice I could drink them all day, every day if I could. 

The second company I am currently working with is Bondi Sands. They sent me their tanning foam in light/medium and also a tester of their dark tanning foam and also their gradual tanning milk moisturiser. Personally, I have never used a fake tan before apart from 4 years ago for prom so it was definitely something new for me. For me I actually really like their products, the dark tanning foam is too dark for me, but that’s personal preference, however the light/medium is perfect for a subtle tan, but it can also be built up with extra layers if needed. The gradual tanning milk moisturiser is also very good for a gradual building tan, it isn’t took intense and it’s very gradual so could get away with being a natural tan. 

The next company I am working with is Yankee Candle, which for me is an incredible company with incredible products. They sent me some candles from their brand new range called Viva Havana and Cuban Mojito which both have really intense smells and they both smell incredible so being able to work with them with such incredible products is amazing. The best smelling parcel I have ever received for sure.

The fourth company is West Midlands Safari Park. I have received 8 complimentary tickets for my whole family to go which I am so excited for! I haven’t been in so long so being able to go with my whole family will be amazing. Watch out for a full review of our visit over the summer!

Next on the list is a company/brand I almost cried over when I received a phonecall from them. Man United Football Club want to work with me, what?! I had a lovely phonecall regarding a bespoke, luxury, VIP tour. Unreal right? This will only be the third time Man United have offered this to someone so for me that is an incredible achievement for myself. So again, keep your eye out for a full review of their incredible stadium and the experience of their tour!

Another company/brand is BAMMA, probably the biggest MMA company in the UK. I will be attending BAMMA 29 on the 12th of May, two days time in their press section including backstage and interview access, which for me is absolutely unreal opportunity. So over the weekend a full post regarding the night, the fights and everything I experience will be posted so keep your eyes open!

Another company is Blackpool Cluster, which includes Madam Tussauds, the Blackpool Tower, the Blackpool Dungeons, the Blackpool Ballroom, the sealife centre and more. They will be giving me access to visit all of those above places and experience them all with my boyfriend, which I am super excited for. So again, another post regarding that trip will be up maybe during the summer. Similar to that, Thorpe Park an Twcross Zoo will be doing the same so a full review and post of those will also be coming during 2017. A very exciting summer ahead!

Daytona Go Karting is also another company who have gave me an opportunity to spend a day with them with my friends, which for me is super exciting as I have never actually been go karting before so it should be fun!

Waffle Project in Hall Green, Birmingham, is another company I am working with. I absolutely love Waffle Project so being able to work with them is unreal. I will be receiving a hoodie from them which is gorgeous may I add.

Another company I am able to work with is Travel Lodge, they have allowed me to book a break with them in exchange for a full review of their hotel. Which of course, will be 100% honest. It’ll be a little like Four in The Bed, if you guys have ever seen that show, where people visit each others hotels and critique them.

Another company I am so excited to work with is Krispy Kreme! Receiving a Green Card from them is something I never imagined I would be able to do, so working with them is honestly a dream. Next up is Evans, a women’s clothing company who are lovely enough to be sending out some t-shirts which I can’t wait to receive.

Another event I am able to attend with press passes is BBC Gardeners World Live and Birmingham NEC, which I am so excited for. My parents are both garden lovers so being able to take them to that is going to be incredible.

The next two companies are both ran by the same PR company, Russell Hobbs and Remington, both companies I am super excited to be working with in the very near future. The last company is Poundland, a company I am sure everybody is aware of. I will be working with them very very soon, so keep your eyes on my social media for the collaboration with all three of these companies.

I am currently working with these brands and am in talks with many more, all brands and companies I love and could never have ever dreamed of working with. As I said before this post in no way, shape or form is to brag about what I have got or what I am doing, it is simply a post to show that anything is possible if you keep at it. I was laughed at when I first started blogging, being told it was stupid and it wasn’t worth it, but now those people who laughed at me are contacting me, trying to get me to help them. It is a dream to work with brands I absolutely love. As I said previously, I was in a horrible, horrible place 12 months ago but now I am settled and loving what I do. So if I can do that, so can anybody else, just keep at it. 

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, if you’ve followed me for a while, you’ll know I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, so mental health awareness is something very close to my heart. Recently I have been discharged by my councillor and I am almost at a point where I can stop taking my anti depressants and anxiety tablets, so at some point in the next week or so I will be doing a full post about my mental health journey and hopefully I can raise some awareness along with my followers support. 

For someone who 3 months ago was in hospital, 2 tablets away from dying after a suicide attempt, I am ridiculously proud of how far I have come and how much my life has changed and I feel like if I can do it, then so can anyone!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post and I will see you all very soon!

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