Mental Health Monday’s #4

Mental Health Monday's #4

Hey guys!

Today is the 4th part of my Mental Health Monday’s series, this was wrote by someone I have known for many years, she is one of the strongest people I know and I am honoured she has allowed me to share her journey with me and my readers. I think it is important to note that everything I post in this series is completely unedited, unchanged and raw from the person who has shared it with me.

“At 19 I was officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression. By this point I was already a mother. My earliest memory of feeling “not right” was when I was around 8, I would sit in class crying, sobbing my heart out, convinced my family were at home dying in a house fire. This was daily, I was riddled with nerves and anxiety. I struggled with school and very often I would fake illness so that I didn’t have to go, not to rebel but just because of the anxiety. Gradually it all got worse and a troubled childhood didn’t help, I witnessed alot of things I shouldn’t have and felt so very alone all the time. By the time I was 14 I was suicidal and took an overdose, I would try to drown my self daily in the bath in hopes I would not have to face this daily war in my head any longer. Unfortunately even though my mom was obviously aware of my suicide attempt and the anxiety I had suffered with over the years.. I was never seen by a doctor. I rebelled and drank my way though the next couple of years. At 16 I met my partner and his beautiful daughter who completely and utterly saved my life. 2 and a half years later she passed away, 9 months before her passing our daughter was born. Once again I was depressed. Lost in the confusion of the love for my daughter but the grief for my step daughter. I plucked up the courage and took myself to the doctors, within minutes I had tears streaming down my face, as though the decade of pain was pouring out of me through words. Straight away the answer of course was medication. It had to work surely? Wrong. It didn’t. Not for me anyway. Since then I have gone on to have another child. My baby boy. Daily I still struggle with the constant battle in my head. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to shower or brush my teeth. But I do. Because now I have reason, purpose. I have completed my level 2 training in counselling and have studied my mind thoroughly, I know myself. My triggers. 
Mental health is a bastard, it’s cruel and selfish. I’m a pure heart with a sad brain and It doesn’t get much more confusing than that.. now that I’m a mom I recognise the importance of recognising a struggle in every single person. Not just adults.. kids are just as important.. If not more. I wish I would of received help as soon as I first started showing signs, but I didn’t.. I’m very nearly 23 and even now life is a constant struggle. But I have reason to fight and I will always always win. And believe it or not, i am so in love with my life and happier than I ever thought possible. I am proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel.”

If you wish to take part in my new Mental Health Monday’s series by contributing your journey or an inspiring piece like I have shared today then do not hesitate to email me, even if you are not the best writer in the world but still want to be involved then please do email me and we can still work something else: zoesmith-x@hotmail.co.uk.

Thank you for reading!

zoelouisesmithx

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Mental Health Monday’s #3

Mental Health Monday's #3

Hey guys!

Today is part 3 of my Mental Health Monday’s. Again, I feel inspired and grateful that people have shared their journey with me and are willing to allow me to share these posts. I think it is important to note that everything I post in this series is completely unedited, unchanged and raw from the person who has shared it with me.

“One day you wake up and it hits you all in one, like a slap in the face. It’s overwhelming, this powerful feeling of pain and hurt. The extreme feeling of numbness, like nothing matters anymore, not the way you look, not the you feel, not the way others treat you or the way you treat others. It simply doesn’t matter. You ask yourself, ‘What is life? What is the point?’ You’re born to feel nothing but hurt, to just die in the end anyway. And that is the thought that is drilled into your mind. It might be right, it might be wrong, but what I do know is that it doesn’t feel good. I woke up one morning, and as soon as my eyes opened tears streamed down my face. I stared up at the ceiling wishing that I didn’t have to live for another day in what felt like hell. My first thought wasn’t ‘what shall I have for breakfast?’ Or ‘what shall I wear today?’ It was more like ‘how can I end it all?’ ‘How do I find a way out?’ ‘How do I numb the pain?’ I got up and left the house as soon as I could. The sun was beaming down on a pretty autumn day. The scenery of this season gave me a sense of comfort, but not enough to give me hope to hold on. I was a miserable teenager, negative thoughts suffocated me whilst my mind wanted to battle on a daily basis. I was exhausted, I just wanted peace, and I couldn’t find it here. I desperately wanted to leave this life behind. I had hit rock bottom, so why did I feel so relieved? Once you hit the bottom the only way is up. I didn’t realise it then, but that’s where the glimpse of relief came from; I knew it couldn’t get any worse. As I stumbled along, thinking of what to do, I decided that this is the day I wanted to leave this earth, it’s as simple as that. I know that seems extreme but that’s honestly how I felt. I looked around at other people, someone walking their dog, someone strolling along laughing and joking with their children, someone driving their car with the radio on, singing along happily. Then there was me, sad, hurt, lonely and drained from life. Then I realised I had no place in this world. No where to call home, no one to go back to, no one to talk to and no one to rely on. I had made up my mind, and strangely it made me smile which felt like the first time in forever. I finally felt like I was going to leave this hell; I didn’t have to face this battle anymore. I felt like I was finally going to find peace and freedom, I couldn’t wait. I held my ten pound note in my hand, the only money I had, and I asked every person outside of the shop to go in for me to get a bottle of vodka. I was sixteen, so I wasn’t legal to drink, but that’s all I wanted at the time. I begged and pleaded with different people, some old, some younger, some male, some female, some black, some white. Part of me just wanted to break down to one of them and cry for help, but I kept it inside. It was 11am on a Saturday morning though, no wonder I was getting stares and looked at as if I was a vulgar creature. But That made me feel even worse, which made me more determined to get the alcohol and drown my sorrows, as most people say. But this wasn’t metaphorical, this was real. I wanted to drown, drown my mind; drink and drink and be away from it all. That’s what I did. Someone got me the vodka eventually, and so I started to sip. Gulp by gulp, I felt better and better. With every swig I took some tablets, I don’t even know what they were or how I got them but I knew it would do some damage and hopefully end my life. I HOPED to die. Hoped. For the first time which felt like forever, I remember feeling happy. I remember smiling. It was almost as if the best thing ever was about to happen to me. I don’t remember much more from that night. It was all a blur. The next day I woke up. In hospital. I was still alive. I was broken. The pain was still there; it was worse. Why was I still here? I was still suicidal. My plan hadn’t worked, and anger filled my veins. I didn’t want to live anymore, do we not have a choice whether to live or die? Why did I have to face this life everyday? It didn’t seem fair. But you know what wasn’t fair, my parents finding out that their daughter had attempted suicide. Imagine if they had to bury me. Imagine my sisters coming to my funeral, imagine hurting the people I love the most. Imagine destroying other people’s lives because I was weak. Imagine their lives now, if I was gone. People do care, there’s always someone that cares. I’m 21 now, I have a beautiful daughter, Someone I wouldn’t have if my ‘plan’ would have worked out. I have my own place, a good job and I’m happy. I’m stable, I’m no longer living in hell. And why is this? I decided to get help. I had counselling, I read books on mental health and strategies of positive thinking, I exercised, I learnt to love myself. I was strong. I am strong. Anyone out there feeling the way that I did, I can promise you now, that feeling is temporary, life does get better. Like I said, once you hit rock bottom… the only way is up.”

If you wish to take part in my new Mental Health Monday’s series by contributing your journey or an inspiring piece like I have shared today then do not hesitate to email me, even if you are not the best writer in the world but still want to be involved then please do email me and we can still work something else: zoesmith-x@hotmail.co.uk.

Thank you for reading!

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Mental Health Monday’s #2

Mental Health Monday's #2

Hey guys!

Today is part 2 of my Mental Health Monday’s. This was written by somebody who reached out on Twitter to share her journey and show others that anything is possible – a message I am so keen to share. I got emotional reading this post, I hope it inspires people to understand  after going through a rough time you can still succeed and make something of your life. I think it is important to note that everything I post in this series is completely unedited, unchanged and raw from the person who has shared it with me.

“The Years After A Suicide Attempt

Four years ago, I made the choice to end my own life. I remember the night vividly, I just wanted an escape from the pain and the grief that I was in.

My attempt came around a month after my fathers funeral, he had died by suicide and it didn’t hit me until that very night. I was just hit with this realisation that he was gone and I would never see him again, or kiss his cheek, like I did every day.

I had lost my reason for living and life just felt like a dead end. There was nothing worth holding on for.

It’s been four whole years, almost five now, since I lay in that hospital bed not sure as to if I would live or die. Or what outcome I really wanted. The whole thing felt like a blur and yet I can remember it like it was yesterday.

It wasn’t easy adjusting to life after my attempt. I was ashamed of what people would think of me, worried that I had wasted money from the NHS. I was angry that I was kept alive and yet my father’s life had been reaped so easily. So many emotions just swirled in for my head. For the first week, I couldn’t move, my best friend even describes it as ‘my deathbed’.

In April this year, I hosted a charity event to raise awareness of suicide and to raise money for my local Mind, which I believe has now been invested in a local crisis hub. I listened to stories of people I cared for and spoke to those who needed my event just as much as I did.

And when my best friend spoke (who had my permission), spoke about how it felt to see me post-suicide attempt, I realised how much had changed for me. At that moment, I knew that I had found that light that people always promised but never seemed to show.

In just four short years, I’ve gone from a place where I could not breathe or feel. I was a shell in a world that would not let me pause. To a person who I feel like 18 years old I could be so proud of. I’ve achieved and done things that I simply didn’t believe I deserved, let alone would happen.

I wrote and self-published a book that led me into mental health advocacy. I have made this tiny little community on Twitter and created this blog that doesn’t just help others, but it helps me. I’ve even found myself a husband, a dog and a home that gives me a safe space to thrive. I even plan to start University next September. Life has become possible.

I don’t know how I achieved these things, I can’t give you a list on how to make you life flip and become different. I can’t tell you how to dig out of that darkness and find a new path.

But I can tell you this, if I had died that night, I would have passed thinking that I would never amount to anything or be deserving of a life other than the one I had. What has given me resilience, hope and a chance to be who I want to be, is literally just the fact that I’ve done my best each day – even if it’s simply waking up.

There is so much pressure after a suicide attempt to ‘get better’ and ‘carry on’ with your life, from both yourself and those around you. But what I have learned is that this is only limiting. You need to recover in your own time and way, you need to follow your instincts into recovery. And you want to know something? I was holding that light the whole time, I realised that I could turn it on.”

Thank you for reading.

If you wish to take part in my new Mental Health Monday’s series by contributing your journey or an inspiring piece like I have shared today then do not hesitate to email me, even if you are not the best writer in the world but still want to be involved then please do email me and we can still work something else: zoesmith-x@hotmail.co.uk.

 

zoelouisesmithx

Mental Health Monday’s #1

Mental Health Monday's #1.png

Hey guys!

If you follow my Twitter or Instagram you will have seen I put out a call for people who wanted to share their mental health journey and allow me to post it for my new mental health series. I had more people than I could imagine come forward and want to be a part of it. This series is going to be all about mental health, people’s journeys, people’s recoveries and people’s lowest points in life. I am so honoured that so many people came forward willing to share their stories with me and willing to allow me to share it with my readers. That meant a lot to me. I am creating this series to support people, empower people and show people there is always light at the end of the tunnel no matter what you’re going through. I have always been very open about my mental health journey and I will continue to do so, I believe there is still a stigma in regards to mental health and if we work together as a society we can stop that stigma and show people there is nothing to be ashamed about if you are suffering with your mental health. I am hoping to create this series where every Monday I will be posting something as a ‘Mental Health Monday’ series all to help others. I think it is important to note that everything I post in this series is completely unedited, unchanged and raw from the person who has shared it with me.

This first post was wrote by someone very close to me, she’s wrote a few different posts so I’ll be sharing them over the next few weeks. I think she is an incredible writer and I am so proud of her for sharing her journey and I am honoured she’s willing to do it on my blog.

“Imagine this. You’re in a dark, desolate land, it seems like no one is around for miles, your lonely, scared and not sure just how long you’ll survive for. You don’t know how you got here, to this melancholy place, where the darkness is evil and the day of light is no where to be seen. You’re isolated from the world, from any other energies or existence. But you’re confused, your numb. You like being alone don’t you? You like being away from it all. You like the darkness…it gives you a sense of relief. You try to convince yourself that it doesn’t get much better. You try to settle here. Think you’ll be just fine, but it’s eerie, it’s sinister and the fear of the unknown suffocates you until you can’t breath. Tears stream down you’re face, you wish you could be somewhere recognisable, somewhere homely, somewhere that you used to know. But you’re not. You want to leave, escape from this place, but you have no idea how to. You walk and walk and try to find help; no ones around, not a laugh or a giggle. Not a shout or a scream. The darkness draws in even more so, without a glimpse of light around, what are you going to do? You cry, you stare into space, you hurt just that little bit more, you fall deeper and deeper into helplessness. You know you want help, but it’s clear that there is no hope, not a soul in sight. You’ve finally done it, you’ve given up. It’s almost feels calming, like you can let go. Like your free, you don’t need to try anymore, you don’t need to battle to get back. You can just get comfortable and live the rest of your days here. You settle with that thought, before yet again you’re drowning in your own tears. You think it’s the end. It’s time to end it all. What’s the point anymore, right? Suddenly in the distance you see a small beam of light, slowly coming towards you. It’s angelic and pure, and feels warming. It’s hope. It’s a helping hand. You feel yourself running towards it, but no matter how far you run it doesn’t seem much closer. You feel like giving up. You do sometimes, but each and every day you get closer and closer towards the light, you know there’s a way out. You don’t know how long it will take to get there or what the light leads to, but you know there is a way. You know you need to get there eventually, and you will. It takes time, it takes dedication but you will do it.”

I felt inspired by her writing and I hope it also inspires other people. If you wish to take part in my new Mental Health Monday’s series by contributing your journey or an inspiring piece like I have shared today then do not hesitate to email me, even if you are not the best writer in the world but still want to be involved then please do email me and we can still work something else: zoesmith-x@hotmail.co.uk.

Thank you for reading.

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