Mental Health Monday’s #2

Mental Health Monday's #2

Hey guys!

Today is part 2 of my Mental Health Monday’s. This was written by somebody who reached out on Twitter to share her journey and show others that anything is possible – a message I am so keen to share. I got emotional reading this post, I hope it inspires people to understand  after going through a rough time you can still succeed and make something of your life. I think it is important to note that everything I post in this series is completely unedited, unchanged and raw from the person who has shared it with me.

“The Years After A Suicide Attempt

Four years ago, I made the choice to end my own life. I remember the night vividly, I just wanted an escape from the pain and the grief that I was in.

My attempt came around a month after my fathers funeral, he had died by suicide and it didn’t hit me until that very night. I was just hit with this realisation that he was gone and I would never see him again, or kiss his cheek, like I did every day.

I had lost my reason for living and life just felt like a dead end. There was nothing worth holding on for.

It’s been four whole years, almost five now, since I lay in that hospital bed not sure as to if I would live or die. Or what outcome I really wanted. The whole thing felt like a blur and yet I can remember it like it was yesterday.

It wasn’t easy adjusting to life after my attempt. I was ashamed of what people would think of me, worried that I had wasted money from the NHS. I was angry that I was kept alive and yet my father’s life had been reaped so easily. So many emotions just swirled in for my head. For the first week, I couldn’t move, my best friend even describes it as ‘my deathbed’.

In April this year, I hosted a charity event to raise awareness of suicide and to raise money for my local Mind, which I believe has now been invested in a local crisis hub. I listened to stories of people I cared for and spoke to those who needed my event just as much as I did.

And when my best friend spoke (who had my permission), spoke about how it felt to see me post-suicide attempt, I realised how much had changed for me. At that moment, I knew that I had found that light that people always promised but never seemed to show.

In just four short years, I’ve gone from a place where I could not breathe or feel. I was a shell in a world that would not let me pause. To a person who I feel like 18 years old I could be so proud of. I’ve achieved and done things that I simply didn’t believe I deserved, let alone would happen.

I wrote and self-published a book that led me into mental health advocacy. I have made this tiny little community on Twitter and created this blog that doesn’t just help others, but it helps me. I’ve even found myself a husband, a dog and a home that gives me a safe space to thrive. I even plan to start University next September. Life has become possible.

I don’t know how I achieved these things, I can’t give you a list on how to make you life flip and become different. I can’t tell you how to dig out of that darkness and find a new path.

But I can tell you this, if I had died that night, I would have passed thinking that I would never amount to anything or be deserving of a life other than the one I had. What has given me resilience, hope and a chance to be who I want to be, is literally just the fact that I’ve done my best each day – even if it’s simply waking up.

There is so much pressure after a suicide attempt to ‘get better’ and ‘carry on’ with your life, from both yourself and those around you. But what I have learned is that this is only limiting. You need to recover in your own time and way, you need to follow your instincts into recovery. And you want to know something? I was holding that light the whole time, I realised that I could turn it on.”

Thank you for reading.

If you wish to take part in my new Mental Health Monday’s series by contributing your journey or an inspiring piece like I have shared today then do not hesitate to email me, even if you are not the best writer in the world but still want to be involved then please do email me and we can still work something else: zoesmith-x@hotmail.co.uk.

 

zoelouisesmithx

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