If you have been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know I am quite open with events that happen in my life which may help others. I talk a lot about things I have been through or am going through in the hopes that somebody who reads the post may find comfort or advice in there and today is no different. Some people may find this upsetting so please only read if you think you can.
As you can see from the title, I had a miscarriage. On the 27th of August 2017 I got took into hospital where I lost a baby at 3 months. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until it was almost too late. I hadn’t really shown any major signs of pregnancy. Looking back there were some signs but I just didn’t pick up on them. For example, I had gained weight, but I thought it was because I was eating a lot of junk food, going out for meals a lot and constantly travelling the country for shows so I had no choice but to eat a lot of take outs. I also threw up after eating a Chinese which I have never done before. I also hadn’t had a period, but I thought this was down to the fact I had continued to take the pill so I didn’t have a period whilst in Canada.
So when I got home from Canada and I still hadn’t had my due period I decided I needed to do a test and find out. With 1 inconclusive test and 1 positive test I needed to see the Doctor and get an answer from them, so I booked it for the first available date which was Tuesday the 29th of September, which in the end turned out to be too late.
On Sunday 27th of August, nearly two weeks after landing home from Canada, I woke up in agonising pain. I couldn’t breath, my stomach felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing me and twisting the knife for good measure and I felt weak. My stomach pain wasn’t a period pain, it was so much more intense and powerful and horrible and I knew something wasn’t right. So I was taken to a walk in centre to see a doctor who did 2 tests, both inconclusive. After doing a thorough examination he said he believed it could be two things, a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, both of which petrified me.
He advised me to see someone at the hospital immediately so he contacted them and had me fast tracked to the Surgical Assessment Unit, a ward where patients go to speak with a Doctor or Surgeon and discuss the next steps. I had a bunch of different tests done, urine, blood, blood pressure, blood sugar. Anything you can imagine I had tested. At this point I was bleeding very heavily and I was in the worst pain I ever could have felt. After spending all day in the hospital taking Morphine to control the pain, the surgeon and doctor said they would like me to stay in overnight and be reassessed early hours the next day and hopefully find out the exact reason for the extreme pain, this caused my anxiety to freak out and I panicked and couldn’t do it. Against Doctor’s orders I decided to discharge myself. At this point I had already looked into it and I was 99% certain I knew I had had a miscarriage and my nurse also thought that too and told me to go home and rest and sleep and drink plenty of water and come back Wednesday for an ultrasound scan.
So when Wednesday came around I went to the hospital and I had an internal and external ultrasound scan. Both of which showed no signs of a heartbeat. The surgeon recalled me to the Surgical Assessment Unit where he broke the news along with a nurse that I had in fact miscarried at just over 3 months pregnant. In that moment I felt completely broken. 3 months pregnant and I didn’t even know for sure that I was.
Immediately I felt guilty. I felt like it was all my fault. In those 3 months I had got a stomach tattoo, I had drank alcohol, I had been to Canada jumping in the lakes, I hadn’t been eating properly as I felt sick all of the time. I felt like it was all my fault and nothing anyone was saying to me was changing my mind about that. At that moment in time, deep down I knew it was all my fault.
I was told that I needed to go home, I needed to rest, I needed to try and start eating again. I was told I could potentially bleed some more so I needed to take care of myself. I was of course devastated, I was heartbroken and I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I had to experience all of it on my own because the babies father didn’t even bother to show up and for me that was the most heartbreaking moment of my life so how could he not have cared?
Looking back, I learnt a lot about myself those few days. It was only a few weeks ago so it is still very very painful, however I learnt that I am stronger than I ever imagined I could have been. I went through one of the most heartbreaking things a woman could go through and I did it on my own. Not on my own completely, I had my family and friends supporting me, but on my own in a sense that it takes two people to make a baby, it only took one to lose it and deal with it. I also learnt that some people aren’t who they say they are. People will always say ‘I’m always here for you’ but when it comes down to it it’s actually very few people who stick to their word and do help you and have your back. And I think the most important thing is that I learnt that miscarriage is not your fault. You’ll feel guilty, you feel like it’s all your fault and you could’ve and should’ve done things differently, but the reality is if a miscarriage is going to happen it will happen regardless of what you do to try and prevent it. If your body doesn’t feel like it can continue the pregnancy then it won’t allow it to continue.
I’ve always believed that whatever is meant to be will be, I lost this baby because it wasn’t meant to be, I was meant to experience it, learn from it and grow from it. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through but I’m starting to grow from it slowly but surely. Last night I watched a British Soap Opera called Eastenders and the quote below was said… for me it hurt but it’s true. Just because I didn’t give birth to the baby, doesn’t mean I’ll forget about it. He/she will always be in my heart and I’ll never forget. I would also like to take a moment to thank the producers, writers, crew and cast of Eastenders for showing so much respect throughout the miscarriage scenes. It was a hard watch, but it was something that has hopefully helped millions of people to understand miscarriage a little bit more.
A miscarriage is not easy and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. It’s a scary and lonely place to be. You can be surrounded by people but in that moment you feel alone and scared because you’ve lost your baby, your body lost the baby. You’ll question every little thing you’ve done, wondering if it triggered it off or if you could have done something differently to stop it from happening. But in reality, a miscarriage is a natural thing, something that is controlled by your body believing you couldn’t carry a baby full term and you may never understand the reason why, but there is always a reason.
I never imagined I would get pregnant at 20 years old. I never imagined I’d lose a baby at 3 months old. I never imagined I would have to go through it without the babies dad by my side. But I did and I have and I’m a stronger person for it. Miscarriage is never easy, this is my second one at the age of 20. The first I lost at 3/4 weeks, the second I lost at just over 3 months and it doesn’t get any easier each time it happens. You will still remember the pain, the heartache, you’ll remember around the time he or she should’ve been born, you’ll remember it all. But in time you’ll start to heal and you’ll realise it wasn’t meant to be and they are safer where they are looking down on you.
I spoke with the doctor, nurses and surgeon whilst in hospital and I voiced my concern about this being the second time and thinking maybe I can’t have kids, maybe my body won’t allow me to. But luckily they said that there is no indication that they can see that I am unable to carry a healthy baby full term so at some point in my future I will be able to have children, hopefully when the time is right my body will allow that to happen.
This post was hard to write, it was something I was debating about writing or not, especially this soon. But I decided I would to help the process of healing and grieving and learning to move forward. I have always been open about the things I go through because I believe the more we talk about situations like this the better. Because keeping it inside will not help me through the healing process and it won’t help anyone experiencing it thinking they’re alone. You are not alone no matter how much you think you are.
I now have to go through a process of seeing a councillor now due to me having depression and then losing a baby and the health services wanting to make sure I can cope with it all. At first I couldn’t cope. At first I hated myself and I didn’t want to live anymore. But now I’ve came to terms with the fact it wasn’t supposed to be and with the help and support of my family and friends, especially my mom and my best friend Harley I am slowly learning to move forward. I know it won’t be easy, but if I have learnt one thing it is that life is so precious and you need to grasp every opportunity with both hands. Some people don’t get the chance to live their life, enjoy their life, but if you have that chance then do not throw it away.
I really hope that I can help just one person by writing this to understand they’re not alone. I personally have a great support network around me and therefore I’ve stayed strong. I have said it time and time again, I am always open to listen to anyone experiencing something tough. Go to the social media tab above where all of my information is kept, which now includes a personal email address where you can email me regarding anything and everything and I will listen and be there just so you know you’re not alone.
Thank you for reading.