Today I am writing about all about mental health. If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that last year I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety after going through some pretty vile things, which to this day I don’t wish to talk about because I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. When I first met my councillor and I told her everything, she even said to me out of every person she has ever seen, my story was probably one of the worst, which was a shock to me if I’m honest because I had tried to take it in my step but obviously some people just break.
This month I have been discharged by my councillor and she is in discussion with my doctor regards to me being taken off my anxiety tablets and anti depressants so overall I am towards the end of my mental health journey for now. I have always been very open about my diagnoses because I believe there is a stigma attached to mental health and that shouldn’t be the case. Thousands and millions of people all around the world, every single day are diagnosed with a mental illness but they will never tell anyone because they’re worried about being judged or being categorised by people and to me that isn’t fair.
Mental illness is a huge thing, it always has been and probably always will be so why are people so afraid to talk about it? There shouldn’t be a stigma attached to mental illness. If someone has a physical illness such as a throat infection they aren’t judged so why is someone who has a mental illness such as depression judged? I honestly think as a society we need to be more understanding and compassionate towards those with a mental illness and to everybody in general. When someone is diagnosed with a mental illness, it is not only that person who is effected. The friends and family and support network around that person also feel it, it can put a strain on relationships and friendships. I know for me personally, when I was at the peak of my illnesses I pushed people away, no matter what they did or how much they tried to be there for me I was having none of it, I just wanted to be on my own all of the time and I ended up secluding myself so then I was even more depressed than I was in the first place.
My anxiety is still bad at the moment, not half as bad as it was, but I still flinch if a male gets too close or moves quickly or moves their hands towards me, I feel like that will probably be with me for the rest of my life and that is something I just have to deal with. And some days I will wake up and have a bad day, feel down, overthink the past, wonder why what happened, happened, but I don’t get myself worked up over it like I used to. Sometimes things happen in life and you will never ever know why and that’s fine, don’t dwell on it because it’ll eat you up alive like it did me.
As it is Mental Illness Awareness Month I thought I would write this post because I truly do believe that more awareness needs to be raised. Whether you’re homeless on the streets, middle class, upper class or a billionaire celebrity, mental illness can hit anyone. If you ever feel like you aren’t yourself, whether you’re lethargic, not just tired, but physically and mentally unable to do things without feeling rubbish, if you have no motivation to do something you love, if you can’t sleep or you oversleep all the time, if you don’t feel like your smiles or laughter is genuine, if you can’t walk the street without feeling paranoid someone is going to hurt you, honestly anything at all that is out of the ordinary for you speak to someone. It could be nothing or it could be something. Don’t leave it until it’s too late.
In January this year I tried to commit suicide, something I haven’t ever spoken about online. But at the time everything had went wrong, I felt like I had nowhere to turn, everything had finally hit me and dragged me to my lowest. In the hospital I was told 2 more tablets and I would’ve died, which looking back was scary as hell. Seeing my family sit around me, heartbroken is what hit me the most. Why was I doing this to them? Yes I would be out of the pain I was in, but wouldn’t I just be leaving that pain and more with them? That wasn’t fair on any of them. So I vowed to my parents and my brothers I was finally going to sort myself out. I was going to walk away from a toxic relationship, I was going to move back home with my family and I was going to focus on myself for once and stop trying to help everyone else.
And now 4 months later I am in a relationship with someone who has taught me to love myself again, someone who loved me when I couldn’t even love myself. Someone who has walked back into my life and showed me that whatever is meant to be will always find a way back. It’s took 4 years for Reiss to walk back into my life after us both going our separate ways after talking for months. Now he’s back in my life and he’s helped me through the roughest period of my life without even knowing it. I am living at home with my parents and brothers, I have my little Puggle Daisy who is by my side every single day keeping me busy. I have a group of friends who have my back and look out for me when I need them and I am finally back to the old me. The me before everything happened.
I think all I want people to take from this post is that yes life can be horrible, it can drag you down and keep dragging you down until you hit rock bottom, but no matter what happens there is always a way out. Don’t give up because if you hit rock bottom you can only work your way up now. I didn’t see a way out, I’ll be honest, I thought everything would be better for me and for everyone else if I wasn’t here. But if that suicide attempt wasn’t an attempt and it was a success my family would still be grieving, I’d never have reconnected with the love of my life and I wouldn’t be doing what I love to do, blog an write and work with incredible brands. I never ever imagined 4 months ago I could ever be happy again, but I am and I truly believe that anybody going through something tough can come out the other side, I really really do.
There is so much help out there if you feel like you can’t cope with something, so use it. Two of the charities I couldn’t praise enough are Mind and Sane. If you don’t want to talk to them and you feel like you could harm yourself contact your doctor who can put you in touch with a mental health crisis team, they will visit you and help you through the crisis period. If it is out of hours for your doctor go to your local hospital, most hospitals now have a mental health team on 24 hour call so whatever happens there is always someone you can turn to. Don’t keep it to yourself, don’t think it’ll just pass, don’t think you’re on your own. Open up, talk and stop thinking that people will judge you. Anyone who judges you is not a true friend remember that. A true friend will help you and support you and be by your side until you overcome what you’re going through.
I really hope this post helps at least one of you. As I have always said, my messages are always open if you want to discuss anything or ask any questions.